Of course, such tomfoolery could only be part of the Easter weekend wargame at Lard Island, using the TooFatLardies Sharp Practice Napoleonic rules written by Lard Generalissimo Richard Clarke and umpired by that other bombard of sack, Nick Skinner.
A longer report of the game will soon be available at the TooFatLardies blog, which covers up for the fact I had to miss the end owing to a long phone call. I have also (ahem) slightly changed the names of the characters in the game ... this is a family blog, don’t ya know!
With that in mind, let me transport you back to the coast of Spain, in 1811, and the small, sleepy fishing town of Paloma Blanca, with its delightful harbour in which the French sloop, Vengeur, is anchored.
The locals of Paloma Blanca are proud of their heritage, the fine statue of Don Juan de Paloma Blanca commemorating his tiny part in the victory over the Turks at Lepanto. Rumour has it a townsman is employed each day to prevent a seagull landing on his noble statue...
The town’s docks are busy, with crates of produce arriving from the Indies and Americas....
..... doubtless containing gaudy silks, gifts and other fripperies which the more.... errr.... “fashionable” gentlemen of the town can bestow upon their favourite Ladies of the Night...
But Palomba Blanca is far from a bed of languid iniquity. As well as the Vengeur, a shore battery guards the narrows, manned by the hearty soldiers of Spain...
....and led by the inspired Spanish and allied French commanders. What’s that? Did I hear a barely stifled laugh? Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce your Allied commanders for the night (Elton, Panda and Mr T.)....
....and their British adversaries (Big Rich out of camera, Harpers, Daz, Big Al and Nick umpiring)...
So, the scene is set! The sun is high in the Spanish skies as the British riflemen, led by Captain Richard Fondleur, scout the edge of the town, accompanied by a force of jolly jack tars armed with a ferocious array of boarding mallets, billhooks and knives.
An alarum is raised by the Spanish Captain in the Tower, Fanciso de Rivera, and the lumbering behemoth of a 24 pounder cannon is trundled to face the attackers to landward.
As the Spanish defenders in the Tower make ready, the British riflemen skirmish with the enemy in the town outskirts, focusing their attack on a fortified hacienda.
The turn of the cards by Umpire Nick casts the net of fortune wide, with an ample selection of bonus cards for any Big Man to claim. A Marine landing party “grasp the nettle” with vigour, pressing into the centre of Palomba Blanca.
Meanwhile, quietly, secretively the French Consul, Colonel Daguerre makes his way, concealed from sight on “blinds”, to the docks with his chest of Spanish gold – destined not for the gilded halls of Madrid but for the salons of Revolutionary Paris.
Oblivious to Colonel Daguerre’s dark plans, the Spanish defenders of the town doggedly try and hold on, but are eventually routed from the hacienda...
.... and soon challenged by the jolly jack tars hacking down the main door of the Tower.
Desperately, the Spanish artillery commander, Don Hector Christo, orders his guns to fire across the bay on the British devils attacking the Tower, regardless of inflicting casualties on his own men. C’est magnifique, mais......well, sadly, you know the rest.
The Tower remains surrounded despite the withering artillery fire from across the bay...
...but help seems at hand with Sergeants Fraternité and Liberté and a platoon of French soldiers arriving in the market square...
....surely deliverance is near? Perhaps not that near, as with a collective groan from the British and Spanish players, Colonel Daguerre turns his loaded wagons along the dockside and commences loading the Vengeur, oblivious to the perils of his Spanish allies.
The Colonel must have a plan – he cannot simply be ignoring his allies in their of need, can he? Ah, mes braves .... war, well, it’s tricky. Nowhere near as simple as it seems. You know, there is this thing called strategy. It’s....how can I put it...complicated. Sometimes, it might seem that you're running out on your friends, but really, they just don’t know the whole picture...
As I mentioned, I sadly needed to leave at this point. Happily, the rest of the tale of treachery, bravery, wayward artillery and the lovely Marquesa Uma Paloma Blanca will shortly be published on the Lard Island Blog here.
